Tales of (my) ‘Self’.

 

I love myself, no doubt.
But whether I fully embrace myself
Is a question that remains.
The tiniest, minutest details of
My body,
My mind,
My feelings,
My emotions,
My heart…
Do I own all of it?
Am I in control???
It’s difficult to say, right?
And It’s difficult to let things go;
It’s difficult to let things be;
It’s difficult to not mess!
I can’t blame anyone.
Really.
It is wrong to do so.
It is hard too.
SATISFACTION
Ahem…Ahem….
Satisfaction is another big “term” –
Not just in length
But in depth and width as well.
When does one feel satisfied, anyway?
Should one feel satisfied?
I go on to wonder
If I am GRATEFUL [ for :
all that I possess
all that I’ve acquired
all that I’ve learnt
all that is gifted
all that is innate
all that is given…And imbibed. ]
I am, I say.
Well, what does being grateful mean, anyway?
Is it being happy?
Being content? Being relaxed?
I am HAPPY.
Am I not?
…..silence creeps in…..
Why not?
Why am I  not happy???
Why? Why? Why?????
I have all that I  need.
Then why do I  cry?
What else do I crave?
Well I can’t answer this.
Am I a GOOD GIRL?
I ask myself.
Again, what is “good”?
What is “bad”?
Boundaries vary; ideologies vary; thoughts vary; mindsets vary –
from person to person.
Holy/Unholy;
Pure/ Impure:
Which one’s ‘you’?
Answer this at least —
I’m sorry, I can’t.
When I was a little girl
They told me I looked sad
And that I looked dark
And that I looked drowsy
Well,
did ‘it’ affect ‘me’ ?
I don’t know…
As I grew up
To become an adolescent
Some stranger touches me
Makes suggestive gestures
Follows me
Frightens me
Lusts over me
Stares at me with eyes full of lust.
Did ‘it’ affect ‘me’ ?
I don’t know.
Am I over ‘it’?
Well, I can’t say…
Emotions;
Aches;
Hatred and guilt ;
Dark imagery –
Sad incidents –
Horrifying sights –
Remain.
Within. (Forever?)
How do I empty “it”?
I don’t know.
Well, Am I a “good girl”?
Answer this first!!!!! Am I ?????
I’m sorry. I can’t say.
Do I try at least?
To unravel
To unfold
And to figure out
What’s happening within?
It is all DARK.
sush.
What is it?
Shut up!!!
??
Enough. Now, stop. Just stop it.
Sorry?
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
Heavy heart.
Lump in the throat.
Endless sorrow.
Needless pain.
Tons of love.
Insecurity; jealousy;
Sleepy eyes.
Brain refuses to heal;
to think, to listen
& to comprehend anything,
anymore.
Enough. Pick it up!
Sorry?
I say, pick it up!!!
Now, love your “self”!
???

 

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Hello. How are you?

Sorry?
I asked, How are you?
Well… Who is “you” ?
HAHAHAHA!!
scared of exposing the real you.
Aren’t you?
Is it because of the way you were brought up?
Don’t know whom to blame
Or What to blame
Or if it’s necessary to blame.
Also,
Is it possible to demarcate
the real & the unreal;
The public and the private, anymore?
You love yourself… Don’t you?
That’s a complicated question I daresay. Because,
Bits of you – you love
Bits of you – you hate
Bits of you – you are yet to comprehend
Bits of you – you tolerate
Bits of you – you intend to keep…no matter what
Chalo, let me ask you this.
Are you Wild?
Now, What’s wild anyway?
Well I think you are paradoxical.
I’m afraid of such big “terms”!
But yeah what else is left to say,
when bits of you are in constant conflict with bits of you
Is God watching everything?
I mean, “He” is supposed to, right?
The inexplicable;
Obscure – illogical – absurd;
Paradoxical emotions –
Desires” –
Conflicting feelings;
Misery; pain; agony; hatred; jealousy;
Satisfaction; contentment;
Prayers;
Love & Lust;
my songs of Innocence & Experience :
“He” is watching. Isn’t “He”?
I don’t know.
Spaces left.
Emptiness
And gaps
Yet to be filled.
do_______do_________do_________do.

Life in general.

Imitation it is.
Well, imitation is endless.
Imitation is prime.
Yet it gives me pain.
The (first)ranker
The (best)singer
The (most) introverted
The (kindest) heart
Is tempted to imitate.
The mother of all
Full of love
Full of helping nature.
But also of something,
That isn’t her.
Imitation leads to improvement?
I’m not sure.
But it does lead to hallucination.
And Schizophrenia.
Admire – Adore 
And get Inspired. 
But why Imitate? 
Umm… I don’t know.
You dirty silly little bitch
Stop mimicking her.
Did you hear me?
Stop. Mimicking. Her.
Can you? Will you?
I’m sorry, I can’t.
Why? Are you used to it?
Well, I can’t say.
I’d just want to say, I like it.
Because it gives me comfort.
It facilitates my entry into the peer group
And into the society/herd/bunch/crowd.
Girl, are you fake?
Yes!
Oh! No. No. No, I’m not.
Then what are you?
Do you feel HEAVY?
Yes, I do!
Well then do you know what’s burdening you?
Trust me, I don’t.
You’re not the breadwinner of the family
You just eat, study and sleep
So what’s troubling you?
What’s bothering you?
I don’t know. ReallyI don’t.
But I feel answerable, accountable,responsible.
And I feel sorry.
Because you’re unable to fulfil EXPECTATIONS?
Yes.
Well, it all makes sense now. 
EXPECTATIONS ARE VERY TAXING
…Shudders…
Endless shivers.
Heart beats fast.
Very fast.
Body feels hot.
Very hot.
Muscles tense.
Anxiety.
Well yes, I’m frightened. Very much. 
Day after day
Hour after hour
Minute after minute
Second after second
Time ticks – life goes on.

Do I Cry?

When I watch movies

When I listen to a touching song on YouTube

When I hear my favorite song being played in radio as I walk past a street

When I read Poetry

When a singer sings well

And When people applaud.

When my dad scolds me

When my teacher doesn’t believe in me

When my peers ignore me

When my relatives pass loose comments and hurt me

When I fear failure

When I fear losing someone I love

And when I fear losing me;

When I sense sympathy

When I cause embarrassment to me and to others

And when I fail to reach expectations.

When it is pouring outside

When I wake up in the middle of the night to comprehend stuff

When it is darker

When it is colder

When it is lonelier

When I hear from an old friend

When I stay up late;

When I observe Little gestures of kindness

When I notice Tiny expressions of love;

When I feel awkward

When I feel anxious

When I feel heavy

When I feel empty

When I feel betrayed

When I feel traumatized

When I feel humiliated

When I feel sorry

When I feel not-so-beautiful;

When I’m irritated

When I’m angry

When I’m not-good-enough

When I’m alone

When I’m sad

When I’m happy

When I’m grateful

When I’m overwhelmed;

When I’m being naive

When I’m being lame

When I’m being selfish

When I’m being a disappointment

When I’m being foolish

When I’m being blamed

When I’m being empathetic

When I’m being Wrong

When I’m being Right

And When I’m being just.

When I fall in love

When I trust

When I care

When I fare

When I think

When I thank

When I expect

When I fall in hate;

When I find myself being unproductive

When I find myself being inefficient

When I find myself being burdensome to others

When I find it impossible to accept myself

When I forget that I deserve something beautiful

When I forget how to love myself

And when I feel like crying,

Do I Cry?

A discomfit – A Whirlwind

Deep within:

Past – Future – Present

Good – Bad – ugly

Pain – Pleasure

Holy – Unholy

Love – Hate

Do I Cry???

No. Don’t ask me. Please.

I don’t know the answers.

Trust me, I don’t.

I know only one thing for certain –

That everything is going to be okay.

No matter what,

Life goes on

So let me just strive to hold on;

Is Arjun Reddy similar to Sagara Sangamam?

Last weekend I was chilling at home, watching television. As I was flipping through the channels, I’ve come across the evergreen classic “Sagara Sangamam”and started watching it. Blimey! I was constantly reminded of the movie Arjun Reddy. It’s easy to argue that these two movies are miles apart both in their taking and in what they meant to convey. Nevertheless, I could find some similarities between them.

Both movies begin by showing the hero as someone who has lost hope in life and is ready to die. A person who is emotionally and mentally down, in a wretched condition, suffering from alcoholism. Also, both movies have similar screenplay wherein the flashback is inserted as an interlude to the present story in bits and pieces. Addiction to alcohol and smoking is evident in the present life story of both the heroes, while their glorious past is explored through flashbacks.

Arjun Reddy (Protagonist of Arjun Reddy) is a medico; an aggressive, angry young man full of intelligence. Whereas Balu (Protagonist of Sagara Sangamam) is a talented young man, who comes from a poor family aspiring to become a dancer. The whole story of Arjun Reddy is centered around his love life and the subsequent emotional and psychological pain that he undergoes as his love interest marries someone else. Whereas in Sagara Sangamam, the heroine is already married to someone else even before she met the hero and the marriage is broken up right after. Balu reunites this couple, despite his love for the heroine. Thus sacrifice is a key element in this movie. Balu lets go of her for the sake of her happiness and further remains a celibate till he dies. In Arjun Reddy, however, both hero and heroine unite at the end of the movie.

Another major similarity is the character of hero’s friend.

Both Balu and Arjun Reddy have a true friend who takes care of them during their periods of suffering. Hero’s friend plays a key role in both these movies in supporting the hero when he has hit rock bottom.

Apart from the aforementioned, I think everything else differs. Be it the characterisations, songs, content, humour, the message conveyed, so on and so forth.While Sagara Sangamam ultimately conveys a higher message that “Art has no end” and enhances the significance of classical dance in particular and Fine Arts in general, Arjun Reddy mostly tries to focus on the theme of true love.

Here, I’d like to say that a movie like Sagara Sangamam is evergreen. This movie is a soulful journey that’s pure and genuine with a timeless quality. This infact reminds me of the famously quoted lines from Tennyson’s poem:

For men may come and men may go, / But I go on for ever.

It may not be out of place to say that movies may come and movies may go but this one will remain etched in people’s hearts forever; Just like how one can never grow tired of enjoying nature’s beauty, this movie can be watched hundreds of times and it’s still afresh everytime it is watched. Whereas, a movie like Arjun Reddy cannot be watched so many times without getting bored. I’m not generalising anything, but saying this because I’ve experienced it. 😉

;

I LOVE Semicolons.

I might sound absolutely ridiculous or stupid or even funny when I’m saying this, but this is true. A Semicolon is something that I can personally relate to, on various levels. It has always come to my rescue when I’m unsure of whether I should use a full stop or a comma in my sentences. 😛

To be honest, I have always been intrigued by the words which have “Semi” as their prefix – be it Semicolon; Semifinal; Semicircle; Semiskilled; So on and so forth. Infact I’m always greatly attracted to incomplete, irregular, imperfect, or dark sides of other people’s lives and of my own life as well. Probably it’s because of my personality type. I like empathizing with other people’s sadness. I’m more easily connected and relate to sorrows rather than joys. Imperfections fascinate me. Depression, Anxiety, Panic, Madness, wretchedness interest me.

A Semicolon is thus like all of us. It is like me; it is perfectly imperfect.

A Semicolon is neither a full stop nor a comma. Its position lies between two independent clauses. It is used to separate major sentence elements. I therefore feel that it resembles our lives; Or at least my life. A Semicolon represents uncertainty, confusion. It infact reminds of all those youngsters who are going through bad phases and mental issues in life, but still find or strive to find the motive to stay alive, to hold on.

It’s not an exaggeration when I say that 50% of today’s youth are at the verge of losing hope and are at the verge of giving up on everything – unsure of whether this phase is a temporary stop or a full stop. Hence it’s totally reasonable to draw a parallel between semicolons and the lives of today’s generation.

[Nov 27, 2017]

So that’s about it. Thanks for reading! :’)